How do I accept failure?
I wish there was an easy answer to this.
Being the firstborn of Indian middle class parents, who provided a good education to their kids at significant personal costs, I was always faced with the pressure to strive for the top of the academic ladder. I could not afford to slack off or go to tuitions. I was rewarded by my parents in the form of compliments for my achievements. Sometimes, they would even deliver backhanded taunts like “where did you lose one mark?”, when I scored 19 out of 20, with a sarcastic smile.
I hated losing. I convinced myself that my opponents were my enemies, that I am the protagonist. I deserve to be on the top, because I am the best.
I was the top scorer of my class XII batch. The sad part is, I topped not because I wanted to gain knowledge, but because I wanted to prove a point to my school principal, as she had sidelined me from important social positions in school due to biasness. “I will show her”, I said to myself each day that year, as I walked to my classroom passing by her door. I watched the list of toppers on the board outside her office, and by becoming a part of that list, I wanted to remind her of my success every time she steps outside.
When I entered college for my undergraduate studies, I had the same goal of being a class topper. I gave up being in the music society after attending a few practice sessions, when I realized how many classes I would have to miss. I topped the class in my first year.
Fortunately, my passion for science was kindled in my second year by passionate professors, seniors and classmates, and by participation in ideathons. For the first time, I started to give more importance to scientific curiosity and understanding, instead of studying for the sake of acing exams. Thanks to this change in attitude, I grew enough to get into an extremely competitive international Master’s program in Germany. Also, as my priorities changed a bit, I came second instead of first in my Bachelor’s program. Unfortunately, this is something that still stings me a bit to this date.
In Germany, I struggled again with accepting failure. I landed in a class full of smart people – some of them quite experienced with lab work. I struggled with settling in a new country and gaining financial and personal and scientific independence. As a result, I did not top the class, although I still had an excellent grade. I built again a circle of inspiring loved ones and mentors around me, all of whom think quite highly of me. I didn’t publish any awesome papers during this time, or win any exceptional prizes – which sadly still weighs me down.
Entering PhD, I took on a super ambitious project, which my lab had no expertise in. My boss thinks very highly of me because of all of the efforts I have put to advance this project. Unfortunately, the progress is not enough to publish well, as I have not discovered anything significantly novel. Additionally, this project is the center of a lot of chaotic science politics, which disturbed me a lot, as people are competing rather than collaborating in the very same city, on the very same project! As this is my first science baby, I am sad that there is a significant possibility of me not succeeding to publish anything from this project.
My current situation has shook my core beliefs, made me anxious, skeptical and hateful. Comparison kills spirit, my dear reader! I am increasingly jealous of people with publications. I think more than hard work, becoming a part of a paper often has a significant amount of luck involved.
I feel my hard work is leading to no meaningful visible output to the world. The little girl raised by her parents to unreasonably believe herself to be the best, is now lost in a sea of smart scientists of this world.
I am begging god at this point to bless me with some luck and get me a first author paper to boost my ever plummeting confidence. My well of tears have flown and dried countless times. My poor body and mind keeps trying to work numbly, each day hoping to see a crack of light through this seeming darkness.
My inability to cope with failure will either break me or transform me. It would probably be the most important lesson I ever learn in this life.
In times like these, I like to ask myself:
What is failure and what is success?
Are the common notions of success all there is to live for?
Does professional failure mean so much to you that you fail to be grateful for life, and for all the heartfelt connections in this life?
Are you alone in facing failure?
Is this failure the end of everything?
I have been humbled time and again by realizations in life.
Unfortunately, deep down, the little kid who wants to win all the time still cries in a corner, throwing tantrums, wanting to dramatically voice out her disappointment at every possible opportunity.
Usually, our minds make the problem so much worse than it actually is.
It is, therefore, useful to sometimes pay heed to the words of your well wishers. If I were to summarize the thoughts of my well wishers (beloved people + awesome mentors) on my situation:
Things look tough, but you will surely graduate with flying colors, dear. You are one of the most hardworking and meticulous people around. You just keep asking good questions and keep that optimistic spirit alive. Science has enough skeptics. It needs dreamers like you. You would grow to become a great group leader.
We all, truly, believe in you Sarsha.
See?
You might face failures in science much more often than in school.
But that is of course natural, as you are now on the frontiers of exploring nature for knowledge. You are not an explorer because you wish to find fame. You are on the adventure of seeking knowledge, which is a very tough path.
I promise you, when you discover something new, the satisfaction would be immense. It would be worth the wait.
Just don’t kill yourself out of frustration and self doubt. Be practical, but not skeptical.
Believe in yourself.
P.S: Dear Reader, I realized I went off topic quite a few times during my frustration ranting. Sorry about that, “I am only human, after all” (it is an interesting song2, if you haven’t heard it yet!)